Welcome, weary travelers! I hear you're in the market for alternative celebratory activities for the 4th of July! It's okay, you're clearly tired of watching those boring fireworks every year. You're getting older, they're starting to become more obnoxious than fun. I get it! I've been an old man since I was 13 years old! Trust me, you're in good hands for activity recommendations for Independence Day!
10. Watch 'A Capitol Fourth'
I admit that this one is cheating a bit. Mainly because I just wrote it and it's freshest in my mind. However, you could do much worse than watching A Capitol Fourth as the day is winding down! You get to watch all the flags being waved and tears being shed. Because America. Plus, you'll get your fireworks fix. You can grab one of those hamburgers you inevitably made for the occasion, sit down, and watch an hour and a half of great performances!
9. Host A Patriotic Costume Contest
Honestly, it feels like this one could lead to some unsavory costumes being showcased. Maybe you'll learn something about a dear friend you didn't expect, wishing you'd had certain conversations before Homelander knocked on your door. But, on its face, it's a cute idea! Get the friends and family together and see who can epitomize America the best! Set up silly rules! Maybe the prize can be an expensive fireworks set so someone can blow their leg off afterward!
8. Partake In A Historical Or Heritage Walk
Depending on where you live, I guarantee you have a nice historical/heritage walk you could do! Some sites may be parks or trails, and some may include museums. You can get some light exercise in, and you can glean some fun historical facts! ...Genocides and mass murders notwithstanding. History is plagued with dark spots, after all.
7. Attend The National Independence Day Parade In Washington, D.C.
Or stream it, but I'm trying my best to do better than "Watch This At Home." If you feel like making the trip, you can go down to D.C. for the parade! It's quite an extravaganza! That goes on for entirely too long if you ask me. But, again, I'm an old soul. (Seriously, though, the parade can last for at least two hours! You can only stand and gawk at things for so long.)
6. Engage In Charity/Community Events
I know none of y'all are doing this one. But I feel obligated to at least bring it up! In some states, they host naturalization ceremonies to celebrate people who have recently earned their American citizen stripes. Which, you know, is wholesome! You can also remind people to vote in the upcoming election! And because I'm bound to neutrality, that's all I can say about that!
5. Indulge In Your Capitalistic Urges
I know you see those discounts and other deals. Go on, treat yourself. Buy that new TV you were waiting to purchase after a reasonable price drop! Me, I'm still holding out hope that I can catch a Steam Deck for cheap(er than it is, anyway). Nothing is woven into the fabric that makes America what it is like supporting your favorite major corporations! Oh, and you can support locally, but why would I support my friend's struggling business when I can pay way too much at Target or Walmart for any one thing? Priorities!
4. Host A Competitive Sports Day
Baseball, pickleball, basketball, badminton, volleyball -- nothing says "America" quite like a scenario where the outcome yields definitive losers and winners! Maybe you have a cousin that's been getting on your nerves for the past couple of months. Invite them over for a friendly game of basketball where you body-check them a little harder than usual. Get all that pent-up familial aggression out now before Thanksgiving comes and people start drinking. That's when you'll find out the hard way that, no, words can hurt just as much as sticks and stones!
3. Have A Marathon Of Your Favorite 'America-Themed' Media
It can be a movie night, reading some Captain America comic books you haven't read in a while, or you can even play a Call of Duty campaign. Whatever feels patriotic without being too over-the-top or harmful, enjoy it! Personally, I feel like booting up the 1994 Street Fighter movie to celebrate the 4th of July. Which features a Belgian man pretending to be an overly American protagonist joined by equally wacky characters. It's a great time!
2. Obligatory Cookout
It's predictable, but it's a classic! Bust out the grill and start working on those hot dogs, hamburgers, and store-bought apple pies! Make a fun game out of it! "First person to consume 10,000 calories wins!" Maybe your arteries and other internal organs might protest, but pfffft. Who needs 'em? This is America O'Clock, and we won't let some heart attack ruin our fun! Don't you burn calories lifting the food to your mouth anyway? Yeah, let's go with that!
1. Cry For About An Hour, Remembering How Cool You Are For Being An American
(Indulge me and play this while you read this last part.) America was built on the backs of, uh... hard-working people! Men and women with full rights and fuller hearts! Knowing that, I want you to let it all out! Let those tears flow! Think of everyone enjoying their overpriced McDonald's meals! Think of the Bank of America, with its stellar, non-controversial history! But most importantly, think of all the good America has done for the world! Dilbert! Garfield! High-quality BBQ! Endless political dread and anxiety!
The next time one of you ingrates fixes your mouth to speak ill of our great country, I want you to remember one thing. U. S. A. USA. USA!
